First off I’d like to thank our regulars for your visits.  As you can see from Scott Free’s last post, we have had 400 site hits, which isn’t that big a deal when compared to other sites, but it’s pretty cool for us.  Hopefully you have liked all the stuff both Scott Free and myself have put up here, however bizarre or crazy some of my personal posts might have been.  Anyway, now on to today’s post. I hope you enjoyed my last post because today we’re taking another trip into:

Uncle Crotch’s Story Time

Today’s story is one of the few where I will tell you whether it is true or not.  Today’s happens to be completely true.

For all the questionable things I have done in my life, whatever they may be, they seem to be balanced out by acts of either kindness or heroism.  Today’s story concerns the latter.  I was about 12 and I had spent most of the summer with my best friend’s (at the time) family.  They were all very warm and accepting of me.  His mom treated me as if I was just another kid in the family, and the rest treated me like I was their brother.  It had been a really hot summer and we all tried as best we could to deal with the heat.  We had water balloon fights and hose fights, and we broke or snuck into pools whenever we could.  So we were all ecstatic when we found out we’d be going to the beach one day.  It was actually towards the end of summer and close to my birthday when we finally made it out there.  We got a bunch of our friends and their families to come along so that we could all have a nice picnic and go swimming.  We went out to Ocean Beach in the city and set up all our stuff.  We got there really early, so at first the kids just walked around the beach picking up shells and rocks, trying to avoid the sleeping bums that had camped out on the sand.  It was finally hot enough for us to swim so we went out into the surf and acted like little maniacs who had never been to the beach before.  We started to body surf which was pretty fun.  We didn’t know it at the time but Ocean Beach has a really bad riptide, so everytime we swam out to catch a wave we were carried out even farther. But we were kids and didn’t notice or didn’t care (and the adults with us were people who actually encouraged you to break into places so that they wouldn’t have to deal with you, while they fucked each other or did any manner of drugs, so they weren’t watching us).  After about three hours body surfing and swimming around out in the sea I decided to go back in so I could get something to eat and rest my arms a bit.  I was starting in when I heard a voice from behind me yell out.  It was one of the other kids that came with us and she was really really far out and calling for help.  I tried as hard as I could to reach her to see what she wanted, but it was tough going.  I finally got there and found her completely exhausted and barely able to keep her head above the water.  I looked towards land to see if I could signal for help or get someone’s attention and found that the beach was barely visible.  Needless to say, I almost pissed myself.  Knowing full well that I was not going to get any help from land, and knowing also that if I waited much longer this girl was going to drown, taking me with her, I grabbed her and started to swim for shore.  Now I have to say that I have never had swimming lessons, nor have I had any kind of lifeguard training, thus my swim back to land with this girl was both awkward and potentionaly dangerous for the both of us.  I struggled with arms completely fatigued before I even found this girl.  I didn’t know how to hold her to keep her head out of the water while still being able to swim, so I tried everything I could.  I swam for a while with her on my back while using both arms to stroke the water, then I tried holding her on one side of me while I swam with the opposite arm.  Both of those positions worked well for awhile, but, like I said, that beach has a really bad riptide, so we weren’t making much head way. I was getting tired, and by this point the girl had passed out, which was actually for the best.  She was easier to deal with when she was unconscious as I didn’t have to worry about the way I held her or her splashing around.  For awhile, we just floated, me trying to regain my strength, her still unconscious.  After awhile I put her back on my back and started to swim again, but while floating we had been dragged back out another thirty feet from the beach.  Nobody had noticed that we were gone yet, and no one saw us in the distance, struggling for our lives.  After what seemed like hours (and it may actually have been) we made it far enough in towards the beach that the waves finally began helping us along.  By this point I was completely wasted, and barley able to keep even my head out of the water.  Many times I just propped her on my chest and sank beneath the waves to rest.  Someone saw us when we were about ten feet from the shore and came out to pull us in–me completely spent, the girl fine but unconsious.  The minute I knew we were safe, I promptly passed out on the sand.  I woke up later that night in the hospital surrounded by the families and the kids.  The girl had woken up not long after I had passed out and told everyone what had happened.  That was the first time I saved someone’s life but it wouldn’t be the last, nor would it be the last time I almost died in the process.  Perhaps at some point I’ll write about the others.


David hasslehoff wishes he could be as cool as me


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