I have been away both mentally and emotionally for a while now and tonight that shit is over. I’m back and I’ve got more stories and more crap to lay on your people than you may know what to do with.
To begin with let me explain the reason for my absence from this page for the past few weeks. Some of you know but most of you don’t so I’ll lay it out nice and simple but I will be brief. From about the last week of september to the week before Christmas of last year I built a very close friendship with two of the most beautiful and amazing women that have ever been in my life. (Edited this line out for you Emma. Hope it’s enough) It was a friendship that I cherished very much and meant more to me than nearly any other I have ever had in my life. That all came to a screaching halt on the night of december 11th. After spending the day at The Dickens Christmas Faire with one of the girls and our friend Noah we went to dinner. At some point during the dinner Ashley(the main girl in question) said something that made me see how much I cared for her and made me feel things that scared the hell out of me because this girl was my friend and it was wrong to fall in love with her. I went home that night feeling horrible for having these feelings. I woke up the next morning feeling fine and didn’t think about her at all. She called me and wanted to go back to the faire, I was unsure about how I would react to seeing her again but when she picked me up I didn’t feel anything that I had the night before and frankly thought that whatever happened in my head the night before was a fluke. I spent the whole day with her and didn’t feel anything other than the feelings I had every day before, that of complete happiness spending time with a friend. To cut all this part of the story short the feelings came back and this time worse, I fell so completely in love with her that I decided to walk away from our friendship because I knew she would never love me and I would never stop loving her. I went to her house with a letter that detailed my feelings, my wish that they had never happened, and my need to not see her anymore. After seeing the concern over my obvious shaken state of mind I decided not to give her the letter and try harder to ignore my feelings. Now I knew I needed to tell her how I felt because she had a right to know. She was going to be away for a week visiting her family for the Christmas holiday so I didn’t want to tell her then. I ripped up my letter and threw it away in her trash. I went away from the night feeling like I had done something good and hopeful that given the week she’d be away I could come to terms with my feelings and maybe find a way to deal with them. What I didn’t know and didn’t find out until much later was when I left either her or her friend and room mate took the scraps of my letter out of the trash to see what was bothering me so much. I don’t blame them because I wasn’t being very forth coming with what was wrong, for the best of reasons I felt, and they did care about me. They found out at least part of the contents of it and from there until tonight my life has been a complete and utter world of pain, misery, and shit. They got back into town after two weeks away and at this point I was still unaware of them knowing about my feelings. To cut another point of this story short and get to the basic plot of all this. I fell in love with my friend and it freaked her out to the point where she distanced herself from me for the next two weeks. Got to see her one night and then not for another three weeks. Alot of this is complicated and pretty freaking detailed but she walked away from me, for very valid reasons from her perspective, because she needed space to think things through. I understand all this now at first I just thought it was cruel and intentionally hurtful but that passed and I respect her for knowing she needed the space. I gladly, although entirely unwillingly, gave her that space and had every hope that once she thought things through we could go back to being friends and forgetting anything had happened. That’s all I ever wanted was to be friends and forget my being in love with her. Now I can only hope that most of you have been in love at least one point in your lives and frankly hope you never go through anything like this. Sadly if you live your lives well you probably will. If you have been in love than I am sure you know what it feels like to have your heart broken. Despite my fervent wishes that I didn’t love her the fact is I do so by abandoning me, even for good reasons, she broke my heart and turned my life upside down. When that happens your head and body do weird things. Out of shear stress and pain I started to not be able to sleep and not be able to eat. Yeah it has effected my health and I’ve done some damage to some internal organs but nothing severe and nothing that will not go away in time. Alot of it is bad and most of it should freak me out but I’ve been made aware, by the people who really care about me, that most of my reaction is totally normal and completely sane. I shouldn’t find humour in any of it but some things that have happened have been funny. Did you know that if you don’t sleep long enough you start to halucinate, very funny and the subject of a future story. Now I told someone about this tonight and they reacted in a way that makes me feel that my perseption of the relationship I built with these girls has been wrong. I was made to feel like there was something deeply wrong with me and that my physical and mental reaction to my life being turned to shit makes me crazy. Now I will admit that the cavalier way I refer to it may make it sound that way but I am not crazy and I don’t feel that I reacted in any way that should make it seem that way. I don’t see it as being that important that I haven’t slept or ate because I know the reasons why and I know that I wouldn’t be able to properly deal with anything going on health wise until I dealt with the things that caused it. Now I am feeling as if I’ve been judged and that these people that I care about think I am unhinged or am crazy which makes it really hard to try and fix the rifts in our friendships. I am hopeful that the things they know about me and the things they no doubt think about me are not unbreachable boundries. They may be and things may not work but if they don’t the real people that care about me will still be there, just like they have been through all this, even if I haven’t been that fun to be around lately.
Well that’s where I’ve been and why I’ve been gone. I am back now and I hope you’re ready for more. Hell even if you’re not that’s exactly what you’re gonna get so deal.