First off I’d like to say that I knew it wouldn’t
last long.  I guess I just can’t stay away from you people,
regardless of any attempts to keep me away.  Secondly I’d like to
say that I learned something unpleasant about myself last night and I
may need counseling and that was I learned I am an Internet
addict.  For some strange reason my computer wouldn’t let me
access any of the pages I routinely visit and I tried in vain to search
out other sites of interest but none were to be found.  I guess
that doesn’t really mean I am addicted to the Internet entirely but
those specific sites but I choose to inflate things on occasion. 
I gave my computer a much-needed rest, I think it was the first time it
was turned off in over a month, and went out into the night looking for

Which brings me nicely to the point of this whole thing.  Today were going to take another trip into:

Uncle Crotches Story Time

These posts will either be true or complete crap and to those of you
who know me you’ll not be able to tell which cause you know I’m fucked


Like I said above I got home from the place where they pay me to be
ritualistically abused to find that my computer had rebelled against
me.  I was going to read something or watch something on T.V.
but I do that a lot any way and I had some things on my mind so I
decided to go out for a while.  I have a tendency
to get out of the house and go driving when either there’s
nothing else to do or I have things I need to work through and last
night there just wasn’t anything else going on.  I took a few CD’s that I hadn’t heard in a while and headed south, I always seem to go that way not sure why.  After
about an hour I decided to stop and get something to drink and the only
place to stop was a huge truck stop type place near a town called
Patterson.  I parked my car next to a long line of Semi trucks making it look more like a toy than it already does and went inside.  The
first thing I’d like to say about the place is that it contained the
most people under the influence of some form of stimulants both legal
and not I have ever seen in my life.  The evidence of coffee and cocaine abuse stretched as far as my eyes could see.  This
place was fairly large but somehow these people managed to fill the
room with a smell that can only be described half locker room and half
bar-b-que pit.  I was nearly knocked to the ground by the mingled smell of smoke and sweat that hung heavy in the air.  Regaining my composure and try as best I could to block out the assault on my senses I went to look at their drink selection.  Dressed
as I was in clothes I find most comfortable namely a pair of orange
converse, black shorts, and a light pink button up shirt I stood out
like a rash on an albino compared to most of the patrons.  This
is not a movie this is real life I thought and I am in a California
truck stop not some backwoods hillbilly rest area so what happened next
managed to surprise me more than I thought possible.  I made my way around the counter that took up most of the middle of the place to get something to drink.  Some
months ago I decided to stop drinking alcohol for a while and about the
same time I stopped drinking soda as well so its pretty much juice and
water for this man so I was both saddened and amazed by their stocks.  They
had three huge coolers filled to burst with beer, wine coolers, drink
mixes, and the thing that horrified me most – hard alcohol.  These
people are supplying all the wrong people with the ingredients of a
fantastic amount of destruction and loss of life all for the discount
price of $9.95 plus tax.  I could find
anything in the place that didn’t contain liquor of accelerated levels
of caffeine so I figured I’d use the restroom and be off.  I went to the counter to inquire where they were and was greeted by one of the most ridiculous lines of antagonism available.  I had to squeeze between two men that appeared more to be mountains of flesh than men to ask the waiter where the bathroom was.  The man on my right just looked me up and down and went back to eating his food.  The
man on my left however looked me over quickly, went back to his food,
thought for a second, looked back at me and delivered the above
mentioned line:

            “Hey sweet heart that’s a pretty shirt you got there.  You here waiting for your boyfriend?”

The man on my right nearly choked on his mouth full of eggs trying to stifle his laughter.  I looked at the man on my left and said something to the effect of

            “Why?  Does that make you jealous?”

I know now that was the wrong thing to say.  The
man on my right spit out his eggs and fell off his chair laughing a few
other people laughed too but my new friend didn’t find me nearly as

            “Think that’s funny don’t you fag.”  Pushing away his plate he started to get up and I saw that this guy was more mountain than man.  “Real funny.  Huh well I’ll show you what I think is funny.” 

He grabbed hold of me and pulled me up off of my stool and placed me on my feet in front of him.  He made a move that I was sure would be the last punch I would ever feel but he grabbed my shirt instead.  He bent down and looked me in the eye, laughed a bit, and kissed me on the lips.  When he stopped I looked around to see more people laughing and a few people with honest looks of concern on their faces. 

            “Do you think that’s funny little fag boy?  Think it’d be funny if I made you my truck stop bitch?”  Still with a firm hold on my shirt he ripped it off of me leaving me topless and free from his grasp.

“Well sir, if I may call you that, I wouldn’t find that funny in the
least but I do find this funny.” 

I punched him as hard as I could in the balls, which doubled him over just enough for him to be at about the same height as me.  I grabbed his shirt and slammed my head into his knocking him the rest of the way over.  Stepping over him I gave him a sharp kick in the ribs and walked out.  I got in my car and drove as fast as possible away from that place with the windows down.  The air was chill and I was reminded that I had no clothes from the waist up.  Damn I liked that shirt too.




One thought on “

  1. First off–you’re not addicted. Did you experience withdrawal symptoms? Yeah, that’s what I thought. Second off–you’re not fucked up. Your story is, but you’re not. Third off–brilliant collusion of reality and fiction. Adds a nice touch. Fourth off–I liked that shirt too. 😉

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