I went for a drive tonight that led me to all the places we had been together.  To all those places, as meager as they were, that I shared.  To start the night I went and bought a pack of cigarettes, something I haven’t done for myself in a long time.  I then drove to every place that meant anything to me and smoked till I was high and sick.  It has been a while since that nauseous feel wasn’t from regret and I loved it.  With the windows down I drove, music blasting, and sang till my voice was hoarse and I shook.  My aim was to reclaim some of the private meaning to all the places we had been in our time as friends.  It was ultimately a fruitless endeavor as every place I went only served to remind me of all the time we had spent and what it meant.  Everything looked so different lit by streetlights and stars but it was all still right there looking me back in the face.  The first drive we took together and the last; the last place I saw her and the last place we kissed.  Shrouded in the cold cover of night I thought I could hide from all of that but I was wrong.  If something means enough it always finds it’s way back to you.  I finished half a pack and a full tank trying to forget and all it led me to was memories.  I have never needed a place or thing to remind me of a time but being in all the places I was tonight was like wading into my past up to the neck.  It has really been such a short time but it has been filled with so much that sometimes it was overwhelming seeing all of it reflected back at me in one night.  Was it a good idea to do any of this?  I don’t know but I know that it felt good.  It felt good because it showed me that no matter what I do or what happens I can always get in my car and drive into a memory.  I can get in my car, put on a CD, and wrap myself in that time and feel that at least we had that.  When we started we were just friends and that’s not changed, she means more to me today than yesterday and she’ll mean even more tomorrow.  For one night though I wanted to forget and found I couldn’t.  The smoke wouldn’t let me.  That sweet smell on her skin always had a way of melting every cold part I ever knew I had.  Her smell, her feel, and her gaze; her smile, her heart, and her spirit; her honesty and her grace will not be denied.  I will never know what made me think they ever could be but I know I was wrong to try.  Every place I ended up tonight reminded me of another thing or another time and I hated myself a little bit more for the way I’ve been.  I will always have a hard time of it knowing that I’ve been selfish and didn’t realize until the damage was done.  Sometimes fear gets the better of me, I will try harder in future not to let that happen and actually do what is right. 


Crotch


Nothing I write ever ends quite like I thought it would.

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