By being afraid to lose her heart I may have lost what really mattered most.  I may have lost her friendship and that’s the thing I need the most.  I found in this person someone I could be entirely myself with.  I didn’t need any masks or stories.  I needed no character for her to be with me and that was amazing.  I try hard to be a good person and give people what they want from me but I always keep something for myself.  Not with her.  She got everything and she’ll still stayed.  Everything I like about myself and everything I hate she got and she stayed.  I gave her my past, a past many wouldn’t understand, and she felt for me, hated the things I’ve been through, and she stayed.  She didn’t run or judge or think ill of me.  She took all of my flaws and all of my strengths and still wanted more.  She saw in me things no one else took the time to see.  She saw strengths I never even knew I had and she showed me weaknesses I have tried hard to fix.  Sometimes those are the hardest things to change though, your weaknesses.  She showed me the potential within myself and made me see I could be more than I ever thought and she did it all without knowing.  She was there for me when I needed someone most and she has been there showing me that sometimes all I need is me.  Well I’ve had me for far too long and I’ve made a mess of myself.  I am good and I am strong but I have done wrong in an unexcusable amount.  For a while I missed the forest for the trees in what she meant to me.  I got hung up on the possibility that I found in her someone that would love me and so I tried way too hard.  I tried way too hard to be right and I lost her, I tried way too hard to be wrong and I lost her.  I gave and I took in unequal measure and I lost her.  What will I do if I can’t get her back?  By being a selfish fool I may have lost my best friend and that’s something I just can’t take.  She was everything to me and by being afraid to lose one part I may have lost it all.

I was in the middle of writing this when she called and I left for a while

I just got back from talking to her and every fear I have had these last two weeks has come to pass.  I will never see or hear from her again.  I don’t know how I can take that.  I can’t stop crying and I can’t stop shaking.  I have just lost the the best friend I ever had and I will never get that back.  You all know me anyway and those of you that don’t it won’t matter to you but I am no longer going to be Crotch.  My name is James.  I am twenty-six years old and I am now more alone than I have ever been in my life.  She says I will go on and that I will be fine someday.  She says there will be other people and that maybe they won’t fuck up as much as she has.  She says she will miss me and that she still loves me.  She says she will never forget me.  I will not be fine.  There will never be another person like her.  I will miss her more than I will ever be able to make any of you understand.  And I will never forget her for one second of the rest of my miserable life.  She was my best friend and she loved me for me.  For one special moment in my life I finally had someone return the love I gave and that love will never be there again.  She will always hold that and I will never be able to give myself to anyone like I did to her.  I just lost my home and I don’t think I will ever find that again.  I had to say goodbye.  I never thought I would have to but I did.  I fucking had to say goodbye and I can never take that back.

My name is James and tomorrow gets darker by the second.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s