I know I said I’d be away for a while but I needed to get something off of my chest.  Why is it the some people feel the need to give you advice about a situation that they know absolutely nothing about?  You see I am the type of person that can’t really hide my feelings that well.  When I like you it’s visible in my face.  When I don’t it comes across in my manner, no matter how hard I try to hide it.  When I’m sad it shows.  When I am depressed and in pain my hands shake and I have a hard time concentrating.  Most everyone that reads this knows me and know what is going on with me.  Those of you that don’t can read the last couple of posts to get a close image of what my life is like right now.  Any way I lost my best friend last week both for things we had done and for things I had done myself.  Everyday gets worse and as such shows more in my demeanor.  I have spent the last three days warding off people I work withs inquiries as to my situation.  These people I don’t know have been coming up to me and asking me if I want to talk or they give me advice.  Most of these people I rarely talk to and when I have I’ve told them nothing of my life.  Why do they think they have any grounds to give me advice?  I talk about this stuff with those people that I know care and aren’t feigning concern to make them selves seem more sympathetic.  I have no doubt that at least a few of these people do care but if you knew most of these people you’d doubt their intentions as much as I.  Now on to their advice.  I will now list two things I am sick of hearing.


1. Forget her.  She’s not worth it.


This one has been given to me by the few people who vaguely know about the situation.  These are mainly people that are friends with my sister that have asked her what’s wrong with me.  I am sick of this advice because how dare they assume to tell me how much someone else is worth to me.  They don’t know me, they don’t know my friend, and they don’t know anything about our relationship.  I can see why they would give this advice though because I can’t imagine they think anyone is worth being as sad as I am over.  Have they never lost anybody important, especially over something they’ve done?  Of course they have.  Everyone has lost someone like this.  It’s a fact of life that we lose people all the time.  People die, people move, people grow apart.  Boyfriends leave girlfriends and vice versa.  It hurts every fucking time and to think that no one has felt that is rediculous.  Either that or all these people have led privileged lives.  I took an accounting of not my whole life but just the past thirteen years and I have lost around thirty people that were close to me.  That’s thirty people that meant something to me that are not in my life any more.  They all left for varied reasons, some hurt more than others and some still hurt today.  I’m sure if you take a similar accounting you’ll have lost people too.  Would you have liked someone coming up to you telling you that they weren’t worth the pain of the loss?  No you wouldn’t.  Questioning the worth of someone you don’t know to the person hurting doesn’t help.  If anything it hurts more because, at least with me, they are reminded more and more of what they have lost.  I get realy fucking defensive when someone says this to me right now because the person I have lost means more to me than almost anyone else in my life.  She was my bestfriend and I am losing more in her than I have ever lost in my life.  If you’ve read the last few posts you’ll get a brief glimpse of what she was to me but that doesn’t even scratch the surface.


2. Give it time.


Fuck time.  Time heals all wounds they say.  All time does is allow for the bleeding to stop, scab over, and ultimately scar.  Time is no ones friend.  How can time heal a wound like this?  I know it seems that it will and all logic tells me it should but it doesn’t.  People gave me this same advice when I went through the whole thing with Ashley(Check back through January and Febuary for that whole fiasco).  Time didn’t heal that at all.  Realizing that I hadn’t really lost much in her was what finally healed that.  I had an image of who this person was and all time did was expose more of who she really was and what our relationship actually was.  She’s not a bad person beneath it all but she’s not the person I thought so losing her didn’t cost me much.  I see now though what losing actually cost me.  Time.  Losing her friendship cost me time to get to know earlier the person I am losing now.  Had I not imagined I was in love with Ashley I would have gotten a chance to get to know Emma earlier.  I would have had more time with the person that became one of the best friends I have ever had.  Time won’t heal this wound because it’s far too deep.  The pain may subside a bit but I will never lose it completely.  Even if someday we can continue our friendship in some way the memory of this time will always hurt.  The memory that I had been responsible for this loss will always hurt.  Time won’t fix that because I will always be here and I’ll always feel the empty space in my life where my friend should be.  There is a lot of advice that could be given, if asked for, but these two aren’t ones that I want to hear.  Another reason I don’t want to hear them is I don’t want to think that someone is giving her this same advice and that she might be believing it.  I don’t want to think that someone is telling her that I am not worth it and I don’t want to think in time I won’t be important to her.


James

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One thought on “

  1. I probably shouldn’t be writing this–hell, I probably shouldn’t even be reading this–but I am. There’s so much I could say, but only a few comments seem immediately pertinent at the moment:
    1–Unlike you, I’m not even receiving advice, because I can’t talk about the way I feel with anybody. Your friends all hate me, and, well, you know the kind of advice Ash and Ben would give…
    2–A great man I know once wrote: “the climb is worth the fall”. Though you may feel my fall is not equal to yours, thus negating the value of my saying so, I completely agree with that sentiment. Ergo–the person lost is worth the pain and ultimately unforgettable.
    3–Fucking time would be horrendously difficult. (Sorry, I realize a joke isn’t entirely appropriate right now, but I can’t change myself that much.) My real point is that you’re absolutely right. Time doesn’t heal wounds. Time just puts distance between you and the hurt–like a cushion.
    Your letter….I can’t respond to it here, if ever. I’ll just say that you’re just as good at saying good-bye fucking eloquently as others claim I am.
    M

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