I get asked almost daily, by the same people I spoke out against in a past post, how I am doing. As I said then I know that these people don’t really care so I tell them I am doing fine. If the person asking is someone I know actually cares about me I have a decision to make what answer I give them. Should I be polite and restrain the truth because it would bother them or do I tell them the truth? Do I lie and tell them I am doing fine or do I tell them the truth and say I feel a little worse everyday? That’s the truth, this whole thing gets worse for me by the day. It’s been about a month since I spent any quality time with my friend and today is exactly two weeks since she told me we can no longer be friends. The amount of time doesn’t matter though what matters is the words. I wake up everyday, earlier than I’d like, and without fail everyday these last two weeks the first thought through my mind is that this is another day I won’t spend with my friend. Everyday gets a little bit colder because of that. Everyday is a little bit sadder than the last because I wake up and know that this day will bring something that I’ll never be able to share with her. This day will bring something she’ll never be able to share with me. We saw or talked to each other almost everyday and became the people we could tell everything to. She was the first person I thought of when I heard a new song, saw a great view of something, found a new drive, or read a great passage in a book. Every day I find something I know she would like and I can’t give that to her, that’s when the reality slaps me in the face. She once told me I was the first person she thought of when there was something that excited her or when she wanted to talk to someone. Everyday I lose a little bit more of that and everyday it hurts a little bit more. I try hard to ignore the gaping void that this has left but it’s hard because it gets wider all the time. Everyday the cut gets deeper and I lose a little more of the strength I need to keep my head up. I lose the ability to keep the lie on my face and hide the pain. I know it’s a lie I try to tell myself and everyday I want it to be true, that I am doing fine. I’m not doing fine, everyday the mask slips a little farther down my face, and everyday I lose something. There are things I will never be able to do without thinking of her. Things that used to mean something to me, that drove me, or took me out of myself long enough to see the the lies I tell to myself. There are places I will never be able to go and not have her be the first person I think about when I get there. It hurts a little more every day because with every day that goes by that’s one step closer to this not having been a mistake, some horrible nightmare. That’s one day closer to this being the reality that my life has become and I hate it. I hate that these are the thoughts that run through my mind before I even open my eyes on the day. And I hate that they are the last thoughts on my mind when I close them on the night. I should try and remember all those things that we had, and I do, but all that serves is to accentuate the pain.
I started writing this before I went to work today. I was going to work a little bit more on it when I got home but I decided to go ahead and post it as is. There are really too many things to list all those that I’ll never be able to do without thinking of her. There are really too many things I’ll never be able to appreciate properly without her in my life and it would do both us and our relationship a disservice to try.