Another excerpt from my journal:

On the next page we will discuss the films of Alfred Hitchcork. Alfred
Hitchcork wrote directed and starred in many spaghetti westerns and
also some straight to trade paperback novels and short epics. He
pioneered the classic example. One of his works is “I Opened the
Cupboard.” It is a silent rockumentary about one of the leading
novelists at the time, Little Jimmy Bronchitis. Little Jimmy wrote
books about many topics and they all centered around a central
character and theme. The main character was a young Puerto Rican mouse
named Hans and the genreal theme is murder.
    Hans gets killed off in the first novel in a five book series, so…
    In the second book we are introduced to the series
next lead character, an aging pensioner by the name of Gramps. Gramps
is a young lady that oversees the goings-ons of a southern plantation
house built in the Artic. She doesn’t have any company up there in the
Artic and eventually goes crazy, in the first chapter. In the second
she dies by the hands of a refridgerator salesman who is seeking
revenge for all the time that Gramps had prank called the warehouse
looking for a “good time.”
    In the third book we are introduced to the series
favorite, Charlie. Charlie is a giraffe who works as a stripper at
Naked Coochie Emporeum. Charlie has a run in with the law after she
lets some patrons grope her horns and get completely nude. She dies in
a blaze of gunfire and then is promptly forgotten by the next paragraph
of the first chapter.
    The fourth book rambles on and on about nothing and meanders aimlessly without a main character.
    The fifth book doesn’t exist but the epilogue
consists of a sixth book that was published many minutes after the
fifth book to help clear up some confusion about whatever the hell I
have just written.

Scott Free writes what he knows


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