What does one do when you’ve lost the know how to be alone. 
Someone I know has come to a point in their life where they realized
they’ve never really been alone and they need to learn how to do
that.  While I honestly hate that to do that has meant the loss of
something I can understand that need.  Again I ask what does one
do when they don’t know how to be alone anymore?  For two years I
was single.  For varied reason I wouldn’t allow anyone into my
life, to touch me.  I have been going through internal changes
over that time in which I have been distancing myself from a life I
fell into, bad people, bad situations, and the feeling of blanket
apathy and complacency.  It’s still a journey I am taking but for a very happy
time I wasn’t taking it alone.  I had someone in my life that has
brought more happiness and love into it than I thought could ever
exist.  I forgot how to be alone because I no longer wanted to
be.  Now I am though and I don’t know what to do.  I can’t do
any of the things that for a time I thought I missed because they mean
nothing to me anymore, part of the journey I guess.  I can’t
listen to music because it all touches something I’d rather not be
touched.  I can’t watch movies because likewise they touch part of
me I’d like unmolested.  I read as much as I can but somehow even
that solitary activity brings not the joy it once did.  I used to
find solace in my room, but not anymore.  It’s filled with a lifetime of my things
and years worth of memories but they all are masked over by an all
consuming disquiet in my mind.  Will I ever be able to enjoy just
“being” the way I once did?  I don’t know but I am not so foolish as
to think I won’t.  Eventually.  How do you learn to be alone
again when you don’t want to be?  I was alone in many ways
willfully and though it became comfortable it became a crutch. 
How do you let someone in when your world has contracted so much as to
only allow room for you?  I don’t want to be alone again but right
now that choice is not mine.  I suppose it never really is I
guess.  There is something to be said for being the master of your
own destiny but the vagaries of fate are fickle.  You can put
forth only so much before other people have to pick up the slack, take
the bait, and real you in.  How to make the bait more appealing I
guess should really be the question.  I’ve learned in a lot of
ways being good isn’t enough, being a good person, being a good friend
just doesn’t seem to be enough anymore.  I have relied on those
aspects of myself to carry me through for so long that I haven’t
learned the other things it takes to pull people in and I just don’t
know how to now.  Do I wait for another special person to come
along and see what’s there and be interested enough in it?  I
don’t know if that person will come along again, at least not anyone as
special as the last.  That’s over though and I know it must be but
I can’t help but lament the passing of it.  In so many ways I am
better for having been there for the time I was but I lost more than I
can ever truly account for.  There is a space in my heart that I
no longer have access to because I never had the key, she did.  I
lost so much that I want back somehow but the one thing I lost that I
don’t now is knowing how to be alone because I hate it.  Alone? 
Until you’re not you never really understand what that means.  You
have family and friends and other people that care but they never make
you whole the way love does.  I put up a post around this time
last year and someone unknown to me or Scott Free left a comment
stating “The only thing that can make the process a prolonged one is
the unwillingness of you”.  I thought it silly at the time as it was left
by someone sixteen but now I’m not so sure.  Now I think it’s
quite profound and quite close to the mark.  If
you’re unwilling nothing will ever get done.  I am unwilling to
learn how to be alone again though so fuck the process, prolonged or
otherwise.  I need someone because I know who I am, now more than
ever, and keeping all I am to myself is just not enough anymore. 
I am enough for me but I have learned that sometimes I’m not enough for
someone else.  I just have to find out how I can change that.  How though?

This changed in the writing.  It’s not what it was meant to be but
I guess nothing ever really is on these things.  Off for a smoke
and some more thought.

My name is James but you can call me

Reading Don Quixote and feeling more and more every day
that while not as mad as he was I spend a lot of my  time tilting at
my own windmills.  Alas


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