So, here we are again my friends.  What does that mean?  Well to be specific it means I’m here or rather, given that this is posted and lasts for as long as the site stands, have been.  It also means that you’re here and, again as this is posted and lasts for as long as the site, may yet be again.  I was gathering together a stack of things I have written in the last ten months and while sorting through my notes I came across this.  I wrote it one night many months ago on the landing of what was then my girlfriends apartment, while smoking and ruminating on this page.  Why I was ruminating on this insignificant little corner of the world I don’t know, but I do know that I was doing so not of the site itself but rather my involvement in it.  I came up with this.  I have not edited it or changed it in the slightest because frankly I don’t care to.  That moment was then and this moment is now so I have let the thoughts of that time live unaltered as a capsule of the way I thought that night.

 

Like a shout in the darkness to the world that I am significant, I type.  For hours sometimes.  I come here and type hoping to make a mark, a foot print, out there in the sand someplace so that someday, somewhere, someone will wonder who this Crotch guy is.  I realize that it is a foolish hope, to leave a footprint of a pseudonymous version of myself, but in some ways I guess it explains things.  If the reason that I write here is a demand for significance for myself, why not write as myself?  I guess because the people I garner significance from have already given it to me before coming here.  If I demand significance for the pseudonymous Crotch than what do I want people who don’t, and may never, know the real me to think?  Do I want them to think that he’s funny, creative, talented, well rounded, caring, compassionate, loves deeply, has lived a reckless life, is he sad, is he happy?  I don’t know, but if I am begging for significance, either for myself or for Crotch, than that’s something I should probably figure out.  I don’t know if I’ll ever achieve that significance. I don’t know if I will ever make it to the end of the road, look back, and be able to say anything more than “I did the best I could.”  I don’t know any of that, but I do know this: I’m significant right now.  I type away in my dark room, at school, or sometimes at my girlfriend’s house, whatever comes to mind in the moment.  I am significant to all of you right now, even if you don’t know it.  Every changing number of the site meter is another of you that has come here for your own reasons and allowed yourselves to be effected by me, or rather by Crotch. You have allowed yourselves to be effected, even if only for a moment, by what I write and what I have to say.  Your motivations for coming here are your own, just as my motivations for being here are my own.  I can’t say much about what they are or why I have chosen, at times, to limit my time here.  I can say that when I’m happy I don’t often have time to come here and spread the joy that happiness brings me.  And when I’m not, I have all the time in the world, but I don’t have much to say.  Am I wrong in this?  Should I take the time when I’m happy so that something lies in posterity of the moment I was?  I guess maybe I should, because I know it’s a good feeling to look back on the years we’ve had this site and be reminded of a moment, a feeling, that may lie dormant and lost forever somewhere in the back of my mind otherwise. 

 

There was to be more of this but I tucked it into my backpack upon entering the apartment again and thought nothing more about it until I found it last night.  I thought about not posting it because it had it’s time and that time has past.  I ultimately chose to anyway because I wrote it specifically for this place and I felt that it should end up here instead of in a pile of papers filed away somewhere.  Anyway, off to work now.

 

Crotch

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