Is hope ever foolish? I’ve asked myself this question a lot, several times a day actually, over the last 79 days. I’ve come down on both sides of this question equally and that drives me crazy. I know that a satisfactory answer will probably never come unless either answer is proven true. I’ll know it is foolish if we never get back together (which is probably the hardest answer on me to have proved because I still have to hold onto hope, on some level, to have it proved to be foolish.) I’ll know it’s not if we do get back together (which is nearly as hard on me for much the same reason.) I don’t want to hope in something I have serious doubts about. I don’t want to hold onto hope for something I don’t think will ever happen. That hope is nearly as painful as not having that which I hope for. It has taken on all the weight of my thoughts of her and it feeds on them. And it does it despite my very reasonable lack of belief in that hope. I can’t turn it off. I can’t let it go. And I don’t know how to move on as long as part of me is still waiting to live that lost life again. Sure it would be different, a hundred times better, we’ve both learned enough to make it work with minimal effort to maximum gain but it’s not going to happen. She doesn’t love me the way she’d need to for us to get back together. She stopped loving me that way months ago and there’s been no change or reason for her to start again. And she made sure, as politely and with effort to make it as painless as possible, to assert that fact when we spoke. And I should really thank her for it but it hurts too much. And I’ve had hope in us plenty of times that she made sure, with more unintentional cruelty, that I had no more reason to hope then I do now. So maybe it doesn’t matter what she says or does because I’m going to feel or think whatever it is I’m going to. I just wish there was a switch I could flip or a button I could press that would end all of this. And either we’d get back together and be happy the way I know we could be or I’d stop loving her as a woman and wanting to spend the rest of my life with her. Science really needs to work on this. It would stop a lot of needless suffering.

Crotch

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