I am going to endeavor to make this my last post on the subject of my break up with my ex-fiancé. I won’t make any promises because circumstances have shown me promises are foolish sometimes. They’re verbal contracts that have no remedy when broken, at least none of the ones I’ve ever made. But I will say this, I’ve NEVER broken a promise. I’m old fashioned like that. It’s the old west standard of when a man gives his word her better damn well be good for it and I’ve worked my whole life to live by that standard.

Anyway. The last thing I want to talk about regarding this break up is family. Hers to be more specific. Now for anyone who knows anything about the situation between my ex and I this will come as a pretty big shock. I miss them too. In many ways I should be happy that I am no longer the subject of scorn and ridicule the way I once was, but that stopped and I forgave them a long time ago. I never much appreciated some of the things said about either myself or my own family but I understood where they were coming from. I didn’t agree but I understood. And we buried any hatchet between us at Christmas when he father apologized and hugged me. That fairly simple action was so touching that I had no choice but forgive them. That is if I hadn’t already done so long before. It was always a strange experience for me, knowing there were people in the world who thought ill of me because I am generally well liked by anyone I’ve ever had any interaction with. But what happened wasn’t so much about me as it was about them and their loving their daughter. They were afraid I would hurt and take advantage of her and it never occurred to them that I genuinely loved her and wanted nothing more than to care for her. So despite there having been a somewhat negative history between her parents and myself, I’ll still miss them because I loved them too. Not nearly as much as I loved her but that’s natural. They were both good people (her father specifically I thought was a wonderful man who I thought I would really connect with if we’d ever really had the chance. Her mother I never got much of a feel for. There was awkwardness on both sides and some hurt feelings as well but I thought she was a wonderful woman who I had looked forward to working towards a relationship with) at heart who showed their love and concern in ways that they themselves weren’t proud of and at the end of the day I can’t fault them. To be honest it seems, based on conversation and my own intuition, that their relationships with her is much better for my having been in their daughter’s life and that makes me happy for all those involved. I wish I could be there to share the experience, don’t mistake that in the least, I’m just happy that they’ve all come through stronger because of my being a part I their lives for the time that I was.

That’s just her parents, I haven’t even spoken about her brother. He was someone I knew we could have been good friends if things had worked out differently. We were similar in a lot of ways that weren’t ever that obvious and had things in common that we never had a chance to connect over. I’ve been just as happy for him when things have been good for him as they all were and I worried just as much when they weren’t good. He’s a great guy that I’ll miss the opportunity to be friends with. He’s enlisting in the army soon and I’ve been praying like crazy that they don’t send him somewhere he’ll get hurt.

This may all seem weird to someone who doesn’t know me, and weirder still to some of those that do, but it’s my reality. I’ve spent four and a half years loving this woman and four years wanting to marry her someday. So it’s natural, at least for me, to form strong feelings and attachments to her family. Hell, I wanted to be a member of that family someday so why wouldn’t I. But that’s gone now.

And since I am going to try to make this my last depressing post I’ll lay it all out here. In list form even.
Things I’ve lost (or am going to miss):
The love of a beautiful woman who was perfect for me
A bright, wonderfully beautiful, future
My best friend in the world
Years and years of memories that we’ll never form
A wife
A family
Someone to love and care for
Someone to share life with
“Home”
And a bunch of things that are impossible to put into words (for a lot of reasons)

And one thing I’ve lost that means I’ll never have back any of this: the chance to prove I’m different than she thinks or capable of so much more.

There. That’s it. I’m done with these posts. I can’t change anything that has happened, no matter how much I want to. I’ll probably never have her back the way I want most. I’ll probably never get any I that list back from her. And I’ll probably spend a significant portion, if not all of, my life hoping things will change between us. But I’ve said it, you’ve read it, she’ll likely never do so (and if she does it won’t change anything,) and I’m putting this topic to bed. It’s gotten old and I’ve revealed WAY too much of myself here. So if you’re really interested in more information or curious how I’m doing with all of this I suggest you just ask. You can figure out how to contact me fairly easily I would imagine, especially whoever keeps linking from my Myspace. From now on it’ll be more creative stuff, when I can be bothered, or it’ll be random shit that occurs to me because that’s what we set this thing up for in the first place.

Crotch

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