Recently, as in for the last 87 days, I’ve had a lot of people give me advice about a lot of things. Don’t do this, do that sort of stuff. None of which has been taken by me. Not because I’m arogant, though some may disagree, but because I know who I am and what I’m going to do in most situations. I would love to have taken of that advice, to have been the sort of person who was mutable enough in themselves to take some of the advice I’ve been given, but I didn’t and I’m not. At the end of the day I’ve worked hard, gone through a lot of shit, and made a lot of mistakes to become who I am and I love this person. It took me a long to time to really realize that but I honestly feel it now and I can’t change. I can grow, I can become stronger in who I am, but I can’t change who I am. I gotta be me, as the song goes. Sometimes it sucks, sometimes I lose, but sometimes I win a hell of a lot and it’s wonderful. I’ve got to live MY life, not the life other people want for me because if it’s not what I want how the hell am I going to be happy with it? I’m not. I’ll be miserable and will always be wanting something different than what I have. Rebellion is a bitch but when it comes to personal matters, especially as important as self-awareness, it wins out in the end so there’s really no point fighting it. And there’s really no point fighting with me about my nature because it’s going to win and I’m going to do things my way.
I believe in compromise and self moderation, no human can make it in life without some of both, but not to the point that it changes your identity. When you go to bed at night, and wake up in the morning, no matter if you’re alone or with someone special, it’s just you looking back from the mirror. It’s terribly trite but it’s certainly true. And at the end of your life it’s just going to be you that goes into the ground or turned to ash and you better be able to say you lived life on your terms as much as you could. Otherwise, as far as I’m concerned, what’s the point. I’m sure it’s no fun living life on someone elses terms, and I’ve known a few people who do, and I certainly never want to do it.
My greatest goal in this life is to make people happy, to love them more than anyone. To make them smile, laugh, lighten their load, that’s why I’m here. And it makes me happy when I succeed and sad when I don’t. But I keep trying. I keep reaching out and giving myself because it’s who I am and what I want to do with my life. Sure, I’ve got dreams and other, more tangible, goals but this one defines me as a person. Some people think it’s foolish, some people think I give too much, but I don’t think either. And that’s why I haven’t taken any of the advice given or acknowledged any of it’s wisdom. I’ve got to be me and at last I’m ok with who that is. Even if nobody else around me right now is. They’ll get over their disappointment or frustration because, frankly, I love them all too much for them to not forgive me my quirks eventually. So, inevitably, I win.